I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
