This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
