My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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