so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
