She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
