the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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