I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
did i walk over a car last night?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
