yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
