I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
