Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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