M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
