I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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