Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
