You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
