i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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