then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
