So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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