My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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