shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
