I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
