1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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