she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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