my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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