be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
