we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
