You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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