there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
