Why are handjobs necessary in class?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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