Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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