there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
