She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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