I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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