Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
