Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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