Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
