The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
