If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
