Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
