I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
