I wanna bring you to show and tell
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
