At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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