I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
