During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
