Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
