I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You're like the curious george of whores
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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