if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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