remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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