listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
