I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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