She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
