I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
